The Question Behind the Question

This is another installment of our continuing series from John G. Miller's book, QBQ! The Question Behind the Question.

Chapter Twenty-One

I Can Only Change Me

Who is the only person I can change? Right — myself. I bet you've known that for a long time. So basic. So fundamental. Here's another question for you: As you've been reading this material, who have you been picturing, thinking, "I wish they could hear this, because they need it?!" It happens all the time. We say, "I can only change me," but then when asked, "Who have you been thinking needs the QBQ?" we say "They do!"

Have you tried to "fix" anybody lately? We all do it. Some of us don't think we're trying to change people, even when we are. A director of a nonprofit said to his four team members in a roundtable discussion, "Really, I'm not trying to change my assistant. I'm not! I just think she should set more long-term goals for herself." Translation: "I want her to be what I want her to be."

Others know they're doing it but don't want to admit it. I was talking with a training manager, making final arrangements for delivering a QBQ program for her organization. She said, "Do you want to know why the VP is investing in this program?"

"Sure," I said, cautiously, wondering where this was leading.

"He wants to fix Ed."

Fix Ed?

Ed, she went on to explain, was a supervisor who was struggling in his role. But instead of taking responsibility and dealing with the situation in a direct and honest way, the VP was going to put the whole team through training. "Fix Ed." Those words have always stuck in my mind.

Still others think it's their job to change people. I was visiting with a man in his late twenties who actually said, "I believe it's my job to change people—I'm a manager!" Sorry. Managers don't change people. They can coach, counsel, teach and guide, but no one changes another person. Change only comes from the inside as a result of decisions made by the individual.

This is a hard lesson to learn, and even when we say we "get it," there's a big difference between understanding the idea, "Yes, I can only change myself!" and honestly examining the reality of our thoughts and actions.

Frequently I'll ask a group, "What's the one thing you would change to improve the effectiveness of your organization?" Usually they come out with a list of "Ps": Products, Promotions, Policies, Processes, Procedures, Pricing and People. More people, fewer people, different people. One guy said "Pepsi." (Yes, Pepsi.) "If only we'd switch the pop machine in the break room from Coke to Pepsi."

People's minds fill with all kinds of ideas when asked what they would change to improve things. But guess what nobody ever says? Me! "I would change me to make our organization run more effectively." Someone once suggested it was a trick question but I don't think it is. Read it again. Our minds simply don't go there. Our thoughts almost always focus elsewhere first. Asking questions that begin with "What" or "How" and contain an "I" brings our focus back to ourselves.

How much better things would be if we all tried to mold and shape our own thoughts and actions rather than those of others. The bottom line is that the QBQ works because it's based on the truth, "I can only change me."